Updated: 01/12/16 : 05:17:02
Printable Version   Bookmark and Share Share This


Brian Boru set to return to Irish politics

By Eugene McGloin
Political Editor

THE REMAINS of an ancient Irish politician were dug up early this morning, Thursday.

It follows an emergency all-night sitting of European politicians, in Brussels.

Sources have indicated to Sligo Today that the exhumed body could be that of Mr. Brian Boru.

He is expected to go walkabouts in Grafton Street later this morning to meet 'n' greet voters.

He will be kitted out ahead of appearing on RTE's Six One News tonight for a live interview.....with Bryan.

Said the source: ''It seems there is an urgent drive to bring back everybody who ever was in politics and had the letter B in their name.

''It started low-key with B-B-Brexit and B-B-Blair in Britain, then escalated with 'The Bert' in Dublin.

''Now this morning we have this brave from the grave, the boy wonder himself is back, Brian Boru.''

Irish political leaders could be offered the chance in the next 48 hours to change names by deed poll and insert the letter 'B.'

We could soon see Benny Kenny, Bartley Martin, Bram Adams and of course Brendan Howlin squaring up to each other in the Dail as B-party leaders.

The same rule will likely apply to leaders in waiting; they will have to add a 'B' to their names to stay in the game.

Thus, we could see musical Simon B Goode Coveney, literary Frances Beatrix Fitzgerald and the holy man Leo Benedictus Varadkar.

The economy will benefit immediately as TDs expenses claims will no longer recognise elevenses, lunch or evening tea.

Said the source: ''Just brunch, one meal from now on, and one biscuit at bedtime. That's the B-plan. 

''Estimated annual saving to the economy could be millions.....sorry, billions, billions,'' said the Man With Calculator.

In future, all TDs will have to live in places with the letter 'B' in the name.

So, places like Ballymote and Ballinamore will be fine for future candidates.

The 'granny rule' from football will allow incandidates who can show links with Ballyshannon or Bundoran in Donegal, Bawnboy or Blacklion in Cavan.

Meanwhile, the term 'Galway Tent' will be officially abolished and referred to in future as 'The Big Boys Barn Dance.'

The Irish language seems likely to come more to the fore in the new set-up, too.

Instead of politicians accusing each other of 'little white lies,' in future the misdemeanours will be known as a 'breagan ban beag.'

Social media have been reprogrammed to accept political terms like 'bullshoot.'

Also, tweets and texts with an abbreviated 'bx' have now been officially approved.