Updated: 17/02/17 : 05:21:37
Printable Version   Bookmark and Share Share This

editorial

'Paul' pal to pick exit the date for Enda

By Eugene McGloin
Political Editor

A PAL of Paul The Octopus will be hired by Fine Gael to try and name Taoiseach Enda Kenny's exit date.

Paul himself, pictured, achieved worldwide fame when he picked winners of matches in the 2010 World Cup before he died later that year.

Chip In

Now his full first cousin has been invited here on the pretext of a State visit to Ireland but has really been invited to hear him publicly recite THE awaited date.

FIne Gael party members will be asked to chip in 5,000 each to  fly the Octopus, first class, to Ireland.

Said a source: ''Paul's pal currently only understands German, so we will also have to re-format him.

Learn Irish

The Octopus may even have to be sent to the Gaeltacht, said a Fine Gael insider.

''Irish is our first official language and if we are to be serious about finding out Enda's exit date it has to be done right,'' the insider explained.

''A health and safety statement will also be required for Paul's pal, he will have to join a trade union and receive the hourly minimum rate for his work.

It is unclear if a transfer fee, hello money, or agents fees are involved in the Octopus move to Ireland.

Free House

He will get free accommodation while he is here: ''Simon Coveney will fix him up with a house.'' 

Fine Gael leadership contenders were hugely encouraged by a trial run yesterday in Central Europe for the pal of Paul The Octopus.

He was asked via his Twitter account 'do you have any idea when Enda is going to go?'

''I May,'' the octopus tweeted back quickly to the huge delight of Fine Gael hordes who had hired a football stadium in central Dublin.

Then, early this morning President Trump pointed out that an FBI intercept of the tweet interpreted the octopus's message differently.

Explained Trump: ''The Octopus said ''I may,'' not 1st May, in response to your question about Enda's exit date.

Dye Green

Meanwhile, Trump's aides have confirmed he will dye his hair green for the Taoiseach's visit next month to present a bowl of shamrock.

Said the government here: ''Trump's hair is already orange and he was easy to persuade about adding the green bit.''

Mr Trump was asked if the Taoiseach had confided any date to him.

''He sure did,'' said Trump: ''He said he'd happily retire the day after Mayo win the All Ireland in Croke Park.''