Updated: 01/05/17 : 07:05:57
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Forget lawyers, docs and grow to be....gravedigger

By Eugene McGloin
Political Editor

FORGET WASTING years studying to be doctors and lawyers through taxpayer-funded Third Level top-ups.

Make no mistake, the next gravy train in Ireland will be gravediggimg.

So, shine up your shovel every night, even every hour of the day if you want to be a proud, proud patriot.

Maths Dummies

We are now on the road to a United Ireland, make no mistake.

On the one road, as Frank O'Donovan used to say in his song.

It's now there in the official Minutes of the latest EU Brexit breakfast 'n' brunch.

Namely, if Northern Ireland (ever) votes to join the South, which itself is already in Europe, then both will be deemed to be in Europe.

Maths for Dummies?  One equals one and all that. 

So, we will have no option but to start digging up the dead who delivered the big Big Dream and honour them some more.

Meet, Greet

Brian Boru, Patrick Sarsfield, Napper Tandy, Dev, Michael Collins, Robert Emmet and Wolfe Tone. 

It'll read like a seven-a-side League of Ireland squad lining up for a European game. All men. 

Not a great team, as Eamon Dunphy might say: 'James Connolly is treated just like Wes Hoolahan, left on the bloody bench again.'

We'll probably send the team, all togged out, up to the imaginary dividing line at the Black Pigs Dyke.

All the better to meet AND greet the return to the Republic of our (beloved) ''Northern Brethren.'' All men, too.....unless Arlene is let stay on!

The Northerners shortlist for the seven-a-side includes: Carson the keeper, Paisley the stopper, King Billy and Roaring Hanna both barking out orders in the back line,  James Chichester Clark, Frederick Crawford and Bill Craig as attackers.

Team Sheet

This day out with our dug-up Dead Heroes could become so funny that the Chuckle Brothers would come across like a long lost chapter from a book by Beckett.

Yet to come is the (inevitable) row over the colour jerseys to be worn and what happens if any of the two chosen teams 'cry off?'

Will the team sheets have to be filled in in Irish, English, in Scots Gaelic.....or even German, to better please our EU paymasters?

Will Sligo County Council put up a new flag, or will they still leave the same one flying forever -- days, nights, weekends, years?

Those latter questions could yet detail the entire Brexit talks which, however, have already taken one giant leap for mankind.

Namely, if people in the North ever vote to join with the South, which is already in Europe, then they will be, eh, in too.

Mind boggling maths such as that just had to be Minuted and then flashed on RTÉ.

Like Sheep

None of your Auld Lannigans Ball lark, like 'I stepped out and he stepped in again.'

There'll be no dance-offs, no Des Cahill sadly; it'll just be Julia all on her own, fresh from Lannigans Ball, rounding up all the lathicos of loyalism.

Then she'll smartly pen them, just like those sheep in 'One Man and his Dog,' into the EU embrace so dearly beloved by the brethren of The Peoples' Republic, here.

Said Julia: ''The 'first 100 days' will be the worst. RTÉ will analyse those first 100 days to death. It could even kill the fecken peace process in its 200th year.''

To be continued!