Updated: 26/06/17 : 13:17:12
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Noirin's language

Guest Editorial
By Declan Foley, Australia

The Irish Times
esteemed correspondent Fintan O'Toole totally misunderstood why Garda Commissioner O'Sullivan was before the PAC last week. 

Noirin O'Sullivan has been undertaking a Doctorate in "Shovel Usage in Hole Digging", in the Wyssn language it means "I know where the bodies are buried, but I am saying nothing". In Mangliesh it comes a cross as "You mind your own business and I will mind mine". In Joycean terms it more than likely means "UFO" as in 'go away'.

Since becoming Commissioner Ms O'Sullivan has attended night classes under the tutelage of Professor Malachi O'Mulligan and Professor Myles na Gopaleen of the infamous School for Scandal, endowed by the legacy of  the late Richard Brindsley Sheridan.  

Her Doctorate includes study of the nighttime passages of Joyce's "Ulysses" and "Finnegans Wake" as well as Australian Aboriginal "Dreamtime" symbols. For example using the Aboriginal triangle symbol: 1. Human World (bottom left) 2. Physical World (top of apex) 3. Sacred World (bottom right) she informed the PAC ( the examining committee for her Doctorate) the triangle should read: 1. Irish people (bottom left) 2. An Garda Siochana (top of apex) 3. President, Taoiseach, Cabinet, Dail and Senate (bottom right). Strange as it may seem  "An Garda Siochana" in the Aboriginal language translates into the word "Weshitonu".

Noirin's Doctorate has been hard earned - unlike Mr O'Toole's innumerable Honorary Doctorate's which were foisted upon him - and her attendance at the PAC was in fact the required compulsory interview for a Ph. D candidate. As her actual studies were a State Secret until now, the interview was held under the guise of T.D s' asking questions about the operation of an Garda Siochana, including how to unearth money laundering etc. (After all if you do not study money laundering, how on earth can you prosecute it?)

There was one serious question omitted from the interview, whether by accident or design is a moot point at this stage. This was to be asked by Deputy Mac Conchruachain (The hound of Croghan), who alas, was ill on the day. The question was "When does a Garda Commissioner and her shovel become one and the same?". The expected answer was "The deeper I dig myself into a hole".

Declan Foley