Updated: 19/12/17 : 06:12:13
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Polls predict no surprise in this weeks election

By Eugene McGloin

FORTY EIGHT hours and people will begin casting their ballots in Election 2017.

It is the first campaign in living memory held in Christmas week.

But it will not live long in the memory, if the final opinion polls are any indicator.

The seats shake-out in the new Dáil could be Fine Gael 62, Fianna Fáil 46, Sinn Fein 30, Labour 5, Solidarity 3, Social Democrats 2, assorted Independents 10.

Santa Defeated

Santa Claus will lose his/her deposit in all three constituencies in which he/she stood, hinted the polls yesterday, Monday.

His/her campaign in Sligo Leitrim was doomed when Gardai were asked to send a second letter to Santa at the last minute.

Their first letter had not been read, merely ‘noted,’ by the Minister for Justice who is usually Santa’s little helper.

The Department snoozed under the impression that the guys in Sligo just wanted a story book with lots of stories.

Seat Bounce

But a trawl of Santa’s mail over the past ten years revealed that Sligo Gardai had been looking for a new ‘six STOREY’ and a surprise, every year.

The opinion polls suggested that the Taoiseach’s party got a seat bounce from the overall outcome of the letters’ trawl.

Another outcome of election 2017 is that Fianna Fáil will be looking for a new leader in January.

Meanwhile, Santa has been asked to bring the Soldiers of Destiny a boxload of balls.

Lingering hopes of an FF resurgence died in Dublin, where Sinn Fein and its new leader-elect outflanked ‘The Sojers’ into third place.

Fuzzy, Unclear

Just then, a guy called Bobby Ewing stepped from the shower, 100% in the nip.

Passerby JR Ewing exclaimed “my God, my brother Bobby has what Fianna Fáil don’t have; he has what it takes to be Taoiseach.”

“Which is what, JR,” Miriam O’Callaghan demanded to know in an early-morning election special Skype call to Southfork ranch. 

“Xx#####!!!!!xxx###&&&@&@&@&,” said JR.

“Your line is fuzzy and unclear,” said Miriam, “our viewers cannot make out precisely what you’re saying.”

“See,” said JR, “we’re learning Irish politics very fast.”

To be continued in the New Year.