Updated: 28/01/18 : 08:17:07
Printable Version   Bookmark and Share Share This

current

Ireland in line to get several new saints

By Eugene McGloin

IRELAND COULD have several new senior saints before the end of summer.

The search is on for any person aged ninety or more who was turned away every Good Friday from their local pub.

The Vatican may also  be asked to accord ‘martyr’ status to anyone who can prove they didn’t get a drink on that day.

Rome was adamant these people would not be made Ireland’s newest saints.

Said a cleric who didn’t wish to be named: “Where’s the miracle, sure they died while waiting in the queue. They might as well have been on trolleys.

A County-by-County breakdown of martyrs will be read onto the Dail record during a special day-long sitting this week.

Said a Cabinet insider: “The numbers are huge, this could be bigger than the Famine.

“The Citizens Assembly might have to sit for years, just taking depositions.

“Every county had martyrs for the drink, people who couldn’t get a pint on Good Friday,” said the source.

Pro Life

Added the insider: “Leo had no choice but to renounce and repeal this law.

“It proves, if proof were needed, that he is pro life. Unofficial estimates say millions died gruesome deaths outside Irish pubs on Good Friday.

“They died with their tongues hanging out,” the insider said: “pure martyrs for the drink.”

Meanwhile, the ‘bank of mum and dad’ is also in line for immediate deification.

The Government has been asked by Rome to email evidence of two miracles attributed to the prospective new saint.

Monday’s Cabinet meeting is likely to confirm the bank’s first miracle, namely that the housing crisis which has haunted the nation has now been resolved.

Said a spoke: “The bank of mum and dad has solved the entire problem.

“That thanks is mainly due to the recent prompting of Our Lad Leo.

Too Shy

“Seems the youngsters were too shy to ask their folk to break out their millions hidden under the bed.

“Now all that has been solved and God is back in his/her Heaven,” said the source.

The search is now on for proof of a second miracle which could fast-track the sainthood status of the ‘bank of mum and dad.’

The general public can email their details directly to Our Lad Leo at Bigboy@topjob.winkwink.mw

Those who prefer to provide the details to Fianna Fáil can do so at Alsoran@topjob.winkwink.mw

Those who prefer to deal with backbenchers only can email their details to 

Smug_gits@topjob.winkwink.mw

Finally, plans are already under way to stop stampedes when the pubs open on Good Friday.

Pre Booking

Publicans plan to provide formal pre-booking forms for drinks just like when you go to the theatre.

Orders for Good Friday drinks can be placed on March 17th, which publicans agree, is one of their quietest days in the year outside Dublin.

Said one publican: “There are no tourists around these parts on March 17th and the natives are slow to spend a penny on drink on St Patrick’s Day.

Statue Call

Publicans also feel strongly that a statue should be erected in each town in Ireland to honour campaigners for the Good Friday pubs opening.

Not all pub patrons agree, such as Scober McGill, ad he nursed a pint somewhere in the northwest.

“I thought some of that crowd were statues already, never ever seen them move in my lifetime,” he said as he ordered another.