Updated: 14/05/18 : 05:15:32
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Ireland unhappy with Eurovision

By Eugene McGloin

THE TAOISEACH ordered a series of air strikes on the state of Israel early this morning, Monday.

“We just had to vindicate our good name after that Eurovision shambles,” said Taoiseach Meehawl Varadkar.

He was speaking on Mornin’ Ireland: “We went for a ‘shock and awe’ raid but all we got back was a clucking hen minding the house.”

Peace Process

Later today, the Aussie envoy and his team in Dublin are likely to be grilled at Government Buildings.

Expulsions of their diplomats cannot be ruled out either unless they can explain why Ireland didn’t get 12 points from Australia.

Said Taoiseach Meehawl: “Over the centuries we shipped them pickpockets and police. They owe us!,” he said. 

“We cudda certainly been contenders on Saturday night,” said Meehawl.

Every Night

“The song was so good RTE did stories on it every in the main TV news bulletins,” said the Taoiseach.

“We had no option but to try and take out that clucking hen by night.

“Targetting the hen would have been too dangerous to do with a daytime drone,” explained the Taoiseach. 

Added Simon Coveney: “The Aussies have even endangered the Peace Process by not giving us 12 points.”

Booze Bus

Ireland’s early morning missiles strike at Israel was launched from the roof of Shane Ross’ ‘Step Inside’ booze bus parked in Ballsbridge. 

The bus was conducting pilot trial runs in the Black Valley in Kerry when word came that it was to head for Dublin like the hammers of hell.....in the national interest.

MI5 reported that it was ‘standing room only’ so many wished to avail of the booze bus on the trial runs.

Only problem with that, added MI5, was that most of those getting on the trial bus were footless drunk and unable to stand and avail of ‘standing room only.’

No Toilets

“And they were ‘burstin’ for a leak’ although there are no toilets proposed on the new bus.”  

Meanwhile, the Minister for Arts and Culture said all those using the new booze bus “should write a poem for posterity.”

Slapped, Caned

Later today, the Minister for Education will issue a formal State apology to all students who may have been slapped or caned in school in the Sixties.

Explained the Minister: “Some of these citizens were slapped and caned for not knowing Israel and Australia were part of Europe.”